News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
