Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
