I puked a lego.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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