This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just invented taco cereal.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
