If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
