I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
