ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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