I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I will die if light touches me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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