Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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