I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
