Don't you send me to vm
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
