i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize