Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
