I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize