Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
