I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
