I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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