I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
