i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
