Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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