I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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