Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
