yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
