We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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