You smell like a Billy Joel song
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
