Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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