And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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