I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize