My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't deserve a penis
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
