I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
