Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
