Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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