i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
