When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
