My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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