Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
