She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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