Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
