This girl is more easily done than said...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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