Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I would fuck him just for his dog
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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