I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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