If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
