He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We had sex on a dog bed..
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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