mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
