Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
