i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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