Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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