your parents love me but you hate me
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
