please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
