you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
