I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my mouth tastes like poor choices
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
