just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
