I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
So. Much. Porn.
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