I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
