I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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