I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
