Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
