I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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