All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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