i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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