Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
