after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you would pick up someone in the library
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
