Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
foreskin is a definite game changer
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize