WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
